i had the best dream last night i didnt want to wake up from it. it was about jac and i. we looked so happy together. just both of us and nothing else mattered.

but what am i thinking? im in a new relationship and jac is still popping in my head even when im not asleep. i think its the mixed signals i was given. that little sign of hope that would spark something. i dont know. all i can do is assume and well, wait. i dont know if i should wait. waiting is really killing me. i just want to be happy. i just want to be that person that catches her when she falls. i want to be that person that can just sit there and stare at her all day and not get bored of her.

im hallucinating again. this is getting out of hand. even my present relationship might be ending soon if i dont save it. i think i know why i suck in relationships. its because of me. i am the cause of it all. i accuse, point fingers, hate, love, and all the crap but never blame myself for it all. so now i know. it is me who kills all my previous relationships.

she dared me to move.
now i wish i was dead.

rick.